So a woman walks into a talent agent’s office and says, “Boy have I got an act for you!”
“Do you have an appointment?” The old man asks brusquely, still reading his trade papers and taking puffs from his gun powder black cigar.
“No sir, but when I say this act will change your life, I ain’t kidding!” Says the woman, executing a flourished jump in her technicolor lederhosen.
The man looks up through his smudged glasses to behold the spectacle before him, “If I give you five minutes will you promise to leave me alone afterwards?” He groused.
“It’s a deal!” The woman excited exclaims before taking the agent by the hand and leading him out the front door of his old brick building.
Assembled on the sidewalk, in descending order of height, were her husband, father and seven children dressed in equally hideous technicolor lederhosen. The woman stood in front of this group and began leading them in a calypso rendition of ‘The Sound of Music” that would’ve made Rodgers & Hammerstein turn in their graves. As her husband was singing flatter than Kansas on a Monday, the woman menacingly demanded that her husband get it right or pay the price. When he continued to sing off key, she promptly took out a pistol and shot him in the face. She then went rather feral and proceeded to skull fuck her now dead husband with a studded strap on. Meanwhile, the children dropped acid and began performing ritualistic animal sacrifice in the middle of the avenue. The grandfather, now freed from all restraint, climbed atop a yellow hummer and proceeded to defecate in an open sunroof whilst scream-shouting broken Italian poetry to a pocket portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt. By this time the children had summoned a demon, who took the form of Ethel Merman and began singing a rendition of ‘Hello Dolly’ that instantly caused eardrums to rupture and birds to simultaneously combust within a one-mile radius. Then a fleet of zeppelin blimps darkened the sky, dropping leaflets for discounted Thai massages, and unleashed hordes of little people who repelled from the blimps, armed with flame throwers and began an all-out assault on the demon. But Ethel was not so easily defeated, devouring little people by the dozen and not chewing the recommended number of times for proper mastication. The demon was at last defeated when the surviving little people joined hands around it and began singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine.’ In utter despair, the demon cast itself back into the depths of hell. The army of little people then returned to their zeppelins and set about seizing the eastern seaboard. By this time, the cigar had long since fallen from the talent agent’s mouth as he beheld the horror before him. The woman stood up from her husband’s corpse and gleefully hurled her studded strap on through a Chick-Fil-A window next door.
“What in the hell do you call this abomination?!” The unnerved talent agent demanded to know.
The woman, with a flourish and a bow cheerfully exclaimed, “The Aristocrats!”
